The Bridge

I am finding such encouragement from post like this one. 

My wonderful friends don't even realize how I am encouraged and uplifted by their words...even when they are the words of another.

I feel as if I'm in a very dark place right now.  My heart is heavy and the burden seems cumbersome.  I thought I would be writing for reasons other than catharsis.  

I feel as if I am on the side of a great ravine with a swaying bridge that spans the gulf.  Everyone is living life and experiencing joy on the other side.  While I only hear the sound of the wind and the faint tinkling of party noises from the side I stand on.  It's cold here.  It's windy.  It's hollow.  It seems as if others are quite capable of handling their problems well.  And up until just a few days ago, I seemed to be doing so myself.  The trouble was there, I just wasn't "undone" by it.  Now I'm huddled here a lonely, confused, quiet lump.  The tears threatening to swallow me up and drown me.  The confusion only confusing me.  I want to sleep until the storm has passed.  Until the babies are grown and well-adjusted.  Until someone comes and walks me across the bridge.  When I am fit to be part of polite society again.  When the "real" that is me isn't such a downer.  When I don't have any complaints to make.  When I can add to rather than take from.  When the things I am facing have done whatever it is they are going to do and the transition has been made.  

1) Don't turn a deaf ear when I call You, GOD.

If all I get from You is deafening silence,

I'd be better off in the Black Hole.

2) I'm letting You know what I need,

calling out for help

and lifting my arms

toward Your inner sanctum.

Psalm 28 The Message

Whatever It Takes....?

Many months ago, I began praying specifically about the salvation of a particular family member.  I spoke with God and released to Him this promise:  Whatever it takes.

We are now coming to understand the "whatever it takes".  Had I known then what I know now...

I can't even begin to let you in on all that is going on in our lives, but suffice it to say, we are facing spiritual, physical, emotional and financial dilemmas like none I have ever known.  I feel as if we have been in the dark for the past 6 months.  And yet, not oppressive darkness, but a protective darkness.  I feel and sense His presence in ways that are unexplainable.  I know He is with me.  He is doing a work, and I am able to see where He has been.  

A month or so ago, I read this post by a dear sister.  It speaks to my heart even this minute.  She means so much to me.  The Lord has used her in ways she probably isn't even aware of.  He has gifted me with quite a few dear, close, wonderful women who love Him and love me as well.  What blessings to me!  

He is the Giver of all good things.    

Today I am prepared to allow Him to work in me and keep the refining flame close.  I don't wish to have all that is being used to change me removed or my circumstances changed (although the relief of a few would be sweet!) but to be pliant and mold-able into that which He wants me to become. 

Glorified

The process of allowing God to be glorified in my life is difficult at best.  As I thought of those words this evening, while worshiping with all of Horizon, I was overwhelmed by what that means.  

Death.

Death to self and how I want it to be.  What I want it to look like.  It's about what God wants my life to look like.  I really do want Him to be glorified, but that means making choices that don't usually jive with how I feel and how I want to respond.  But slowly, slowly (all on my part!) He is teaching me to WANT to want to make the right choices.  The choices He has for me.  And the amazing thing about all of this?  When I finally release it, finally let go, finally trust Him to do the great thing I know He's going to do with whatever it is I'm struggling with, He amazes me.  Blows me away.  

And I'm always surprised.  Go figure.  Guess it's a good thing to never stop being amazed, eh?

What does life mean to you?

I saw a question today, posted in someone's status on Facebook.

What does life mean to you?

Do YOU have an answer?  I'd be interested to know.  I know what life means to me.  More today than any other day I've ever been alive.  I feel Him working in me.  I am aware of the constant struggle, His desire to shape my soul, my desire to remain the selfish sinner I am.  

It's difficult to be introspective and try to figure out what you feel about certain things.  Taking a magnifying glass to your own heart and life mean that you become accountable and are faced with the inevitability of some aspect needing to change.

And the change is hard.  Painful.  Can be long.  Can suck the wind from your sails.  Can leave you breathless and wondering what all this change is about anyway.  And then, there's this issue of what lies on the other side of this change.  Is it for better?  Or will my heart ache, will my spirit be quenched, will my passion suffer?  

When we know and understand how He purposes events and change in our lives, only then do we understand the process better.  We may progress from a total unwillingness, perhaps to resignation, and finally, to acceptance that is joyful and desired.  

The Broken Heart of a Boy

Today the Lord allowed me a glimpse of something awesome.  The broken heart of a nine year old boy.  Now, before you judge this momma for being too harsh and evil, allow me to explain.

Tonight the Kingdom of Heaven Kidz Choir sang the national anthem at a Pacers game.  It was awesome!  They did an amazing job.  So thankful for their sweet little voices.  :-)  As we were walking out to our van, headed home, there was a man sitting on the steps that led to our parking lot.  We were quite a ways from any signs of life.  He was the only person we encountered after leaving the fieldhouse.  He had a sign that read:  

I am homeless, need money for food.  God bless you.

We passed by the man.  I saw him but didn't know what to do or say.  Ashton asked if we had cash.  He wanted to know, could we go back and give him some money?  Neither his dad nor I had any cash.  Besides, is that really the avenue we wanted to take?  You know what they say....they will just spend it on alcohol, drugs, whatever else that doesn't really meet a "need".  But does that matter?  What happens when we are faithful to God's call?  We are blessed.  That man is then responsible for how he uses the money.  But I digress...back to a boy with a broken heart.  

As we began traveling home, we could hear sniffles from the very back of our van.  Ashton has had the "sniffles" for quite a few days, so I dutifully handed back some tissue.  As I listened, I could hear him softly sobbing.  Victor and I both asked him why, not at all understanding what could possibly be the problem.  I couldn't begin to guess what had him so sad.  Finally, after we got out of Indianapolis proper, we pulled over to get some gas.  After much coaxing, Ashton came up to where I had opened the door and allowed me to soothe him.   As he calmed down somewhat, he was able to tell me why he was crying.  That sweet boy was so sad over this homeless man.  He so badly wanted to have done something for him.  So we did the only thing we could at that point.  We prayed together.  I explained to him that even though we couldn't help, we know the One who can.  The One who can do anything, the One who loves that man more than we do.  I gave him and Elli another snuggle, got them buckled back up, and we got back on the road toward home.  

He continued to cry for another 40 minutes.

I let him.

I gave thanks to God for a boy who has a heart for others.

I rejoiced in my son's tears. 

I prayed, and prayed, and prayed that this experience would sink deep within him and give him a calling to show Christ's love to others.

Amazing Love

I'm always amazed.  


I just don't know how He does it (and that's the point isn't it, really?) but I'm amazed every time.

I am so thankful for God's goodness.  The way He continues to be patient with me and forgiving.  Even eagerly calling me back and lovingly "chiding" me.  Giving me encouragement when I am weak.  Extending grace and mercy. 


I never thought my life would be so filled with God.  That I would speak to Him so often (and still not often enough) and that I would be so hungry for His Word and His presence.  How amazing is He that He fills us with those desires?!  

Today has been a day that is filled with rejoicing.  Last night, my small group Bible study had a wonderful time of prayer together over two of the ladies specifically. What a treasure to know and love these ladies.  What a blessing to help ease their burdens by praying.  


Blessings~

Living the Life

I'm learning, always learning.  

Learning to let go. 

Learning to give praise.

Learning to love.

Learning to be a mother.

Learning to be a wife.

Learning to be a friend.

Learning to feel compassion.

Learning to listen.

Learning to please Him.
Learning to be the woman God wants me to be.

Learning to be obedient.

Learning to live His Living Awesomeness.