Messy Thoughts on This and That

This time it is me.  Sitting in the dark.  Heart fluttering.  Mind wandering.  Nerves exposed.

So many years ago, I was the on the other end of this.  Did my mother feel these things?  Did she worry?  Was she nervous?  Did she and my father talk about the options?  Did she have any idea what was to come?  Did any of us?  

Whispered prayers fill the silence.  That and husband's game that he is playing.  This is how he works off the nervous energy.  It is dark.  It's nearly the end of this day and the beginning of the next.  There is a car in the driveway, it holds a precious child and his friend.  Talking.  Hashing.  Processing.

I didn't think about it.  That's how I took care of it.  I had told no one.  Not one person.  I kept it locked in my heart.  I didn't speak.  But someone knew.  Someone knew.  Someone told.

What is this?  Why do you want to talk to us?  Why won't you just come in?  Tell us, tell us, TELL ME what it is you want to tell me!  Speak the words I am anxious to hear.  Let's get this out, figure it out, fix this problem.

My mother sits on the end of my bed.  "I'm sorry" is all I can say.  In my mind:  "I didn't know how to tell you.  I didn't mean for this to happen.  The truth is so different from what I've told you but you'll never believe me.  I didn't know where to go.  I didn't know Who to turn to!  I just want to be loved.  I just want to know happiness.  I'm searching, hungry, flailing.  Help me."


Ah, you're in.  Let's get this over with....what?  That's all it is?  THAT?!  That's NOTHING.  It certainly isn't what I thought it would be.  I had all the plans set to deal with what I thought it would be.  And now that I was prepared for that, this doesn't sound so bad.  It's ok.  We are here for you.  We aren't angry.  We just want you to be what God wants you to be.  (God!  Please place a calling on his young life-make it very evident!!)  We want to support you.  We want to encourage you.  (Thank you Jesus, that it wasn't that.)

God is bigger than this.
God is bigger than that.

God, I'm on my knees here.  Let them learn from my own detour.  There are roads I've already been down.  I know the treacherous routes they were.  They weren't dead ends-by no means-but they weren't easy.  Not that I'm looking for easy.  But definitely, definitely not this detour.

Not this time.  But there is still that possibility.  There are more years to fill up with the asking, searching, seeking hearts.  Will they seek You?  Have I taught them where to go with their questions?  I can only do so much.  Your grace must cover all.  ALL.  Even (especially?) the parts that I have played in their lives.

I will continue to seek You.  My God.  My King.

They will see better than they will hear.  

With Me

Heard this wonderful little bit in a sermon today....struck me hard, haven't been able to shake it so instead, I will share it.

Exodus 3:11-12

Picture this:  the Israelites are in bondage in Egypt.  Moses is now a grown man with a wife and son.  He's assuming he is to settle in Midian, this land that is foreign to him.  But God hears the cries of the Israelites in their slavery.  He remembers His covenant with them.  He is concerned about them.  God has chosen Moses to lead them out of their bondage.  He appears to Moses in a burning bush.  He speaks to Moses, telling him that He is sending him to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt.

What is Moses' response?

"Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

And God said, " I will be with you."

Did you see what happened there?  God didn't build Moses up.  He didn't say, "You can do this!" or " I believe in you!" He didn't tell Moses what a great guy he was or how wonderful he was.  He didn't reflect on what a good father or husband he happened to be.  He did nothing to build up Moses' self-esteem.  He didn't respond with flowery speeches meant to motivate Moses into setting out on this mission with fervor.

"I will be with you."

Oh my.  Isn't that really all we need?

When I say to God,
"Who am I, that I should be qualified to do this?"
"Who am I, that I should do this?"
"Who am I, that I should want to do this?"
"Who am I, that I could be of any help?"
"Who am I, that anyone will listen?"
"Who am I, that I could make a difference?"
"Who am I, that anyone will care?"

God replies simply,

"I will be with you."

He will be with me.  

I find it unimaginably wonderful that He will be with me.  I won't be doing this alone.  Actually, I won't really be doing it at all, I will simply be the vessel through which He works.

As a side note:  this didn't end Moses' questioning.  You can read all about it yourself as you follow through Exodus.  But God was good then to Moses, and He is good to me here and now.  He will be good to the future generations and one day, one day, we will all dance and sing together with Him in our midst at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

Praise Jesus.  He is with us.

The Sweetness of God

I saw this blog post via a friend.  LOVE IT.  Cannot, absolutely canNOT say it any better than this.  So, so thankful to my wonderful husband for allowing me to (and wanting me to even!) stay home with my babes.  I have two older children that I was unable to stay home with in their younger years.  I've been SO gifted to have spent my younger two children's lives at home with them.  And another cool thing?!  Just the other day, my husband said to me:  " I find that I still want you to be home when our children come home from school.  I still don't want you working outside the home."  YAY!  Blessing upon blessing heaped upon this mother's heart!

Now to really live out God's calling upon my heart.

Wife.
Mother.
God-fearing woman.

My assignment does not meet up with my ability but God CAN.  And God WILL.  He equips those who seek His calling.  He is changing me-daily.  Sometimes I don't find it so pleasant.  (I mean seriously, have you been following this blog or what?!)  But His grace is sufficient and He is so good.  I'm thankful for His patience and His mercy.  He is whittling away the outer layers that hide the "me" He is revealing underneath.  I do like her better.  Hopefully, she is beginning to look a lot more like Him.  :-)

~Blessings~

New Joy

Today God has gifted me with an intense rush of the "feel-it" kind of joy.

He has lifted my face from the floor where it has been and He has set a smile upon my face.  He is good.  And while I have known this intellectually, today, I know this in a visceral way.  He is just good.  

His sweet presence is enough.

Knowing He holds my world in His hands is enough.

Knowing I don't need anything but Him is enough.

He is good.

...and that's enough.   

Loving Him so much more today than I did yesterday!

The Gentle Healer

I am hesitant.  I've been burned before.  I don't want to just jump carefree, headlong, with abandon out into the unknown because lately, the unknown has become the known that has hurt me.  Left horrible welts on me.  Cut into my heart and left scars there.  Therefore, I've become skittish, unsure, not exactly eager to dive in and get slammed again.  I've been crying out for healing, restoration but honestly, I haven't been the compliant patient.  I haven't opened myself up to that healing.  To be honest?  I'm too tired to do the work anymore.  It seems the minute I step out in faith, I am assailed by flying debris specifically meant to keep me from going any further.  And it has worked thus far.  At least the last few weeks and possibly months.  I sense God calling me out, one more step, just one more....but I've plunked myself down in the middle of the path and curled up to rest.  Really quite uncaring of what is happening around me, just wake me when it's finished...when it's safe...when it's no longer chaotic.

I do know there is such awesomeness on the "other side" of this.  But I feel as if it's been dangled in front of me like that never-caught-up-to carrot.  It's promised but I just don't have the stamina to continue on...and on....and on...and on....this particular weariness has been so pervasive, so long, so deep, so all-consuming.  Just when I think it is on the way out....

This is the salve to my wounded heart:

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

28.Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.

29.Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.

30.For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Gentle Healer, please come to me today, accept my willing spirit, my painfully weak humanity, my strong desire for ease and transform me.

I will continue to seek rest from the Healer, Comforter, Restorer of my soul.  The One who loves me beyond all that I can imagine.  So thankful for His goodness and His patience today.

Tuesday Joy

Notes of love from a praying friend, sweet pictures drawn by her children, individual scripture messages to carry around with me, my "Thankfulness" journal, Bible opened to a very well read chapter in Psalms, phone calls from two other praying friends, and lunch with a friend who's on her way home from her visit here to Indiana.

So thankful for the way God romances me.  He loves my heart and my soul and longs to sweep me off my feet.  It's time to simply fall into it and let Him whisk me away to that place of comfort, healing, restoration, and joy.

This would be the sofrito once it is all ready to be poured into container(s) to freeze.  Not quite the best looking stuff, eh?  But the smell IS wonderful and the flavor it packs....woohoo!  I can look at it long enough for that.  Happy enjoyment!

Heaven

Oh.my.

This is what heaven looks like!!  If my home could even remotely resemble half of these photos....