Messy Thoughts on This and That

This time it is me.  Sitting in the dark.  Heart fluttering.  Mind wandering.  Nerves exposed.

So many years ago, I was the on the other end of this.  Did my mother feel these things?  Did she worry?  Was she nervous?  Did she and my father talk about the options?  Did she have any idea what was to come?  Did any of us?  

Whispered prayers fill the silence.  That and husband's game that he is playing.  This is how he works off the nervous energy.  It is dark.  It's nearly the end of this day and the beginning of the next.  There is a car in the driveway, it holds a precious child and his friend.  Talking.  Hashing.  Processing.

I didn't think about it.  That's how I took care of it.  I had told no one.  Not one person.  I kept it locked in my heart.  I didn't speak.  But someone knew.  Someone knew.  Someone told.

What is this?  Why do you want to talk to us?  Why won't you just come in?  Tell us, tell us, TELL ME what it is you want to tell me!  Speak the words I am anxious to hear.  Let's get this out, figure it out, fix this problem.

My mother sits on the end of my bed.  "I'm sorry" is all I can say.  In my mind:  "I didn't know how to tell you.  I didn't mean for this to happen.  The truth is so different from what I've told you but you'll never believe me.  I didn't know where to go.  I didn't know Who to turn to!  I just want to be loved.  I just want to know happiness.  I'm searching, hungry, flailing.  Help me."


Ah, you're in.  Let's get this over with....what?  That's all it is?  THAT?!  That's NOTHING.  It certainly isn't what I thought it would be.  I had all the plans set to deal with what I thought it would be.  And now that I was prepared for that, this doesn't sound so bad.  It's ok.  We are here for you.  We aren't angry.  We just want you to be what God wants you to be.  (God!  Please place a calling on his young life-make it very evident!!)  We want to support you.  We want to encourage you.  (Thank you Jesus, that it wasn't that.)

God is bigger than this.
God is bigger than that.

God, I'm on my knees here.  Let them learn from my own detour.  There are roads I've already been down.  I know the treacherous routes they were.  They weren't dead ends-by no means-but they weren't easy.  Not that I'm looking for easy.  But definitely, definitely not this detour.

Not this time.  But there is still that possibility.  There are more years to fill up with the asking, searching, seeking hearts.  Will they seek You?  Have I taught them where to go with their questions?  I can only do so much.  Your grace must cover all.  ALL.  Even (especially?) the parts that I have played in their lives.

I will continue to seek You.  My God.  My King.

They will see better than they will hear.