Sowing Tears

My grief is not permanent.  I will not live all of the rest of my life feeling as though I am always on the verge of tears.  My soul will not always feel downcast.  My heart will not always feel the intensity of the brokenness.


While I am learning joy amidst the pain, God is glorified.  When I learn to respond despite my feelings, God is glorified.  When I am able to be still and listen, to wait for God, God is glorified.  When He brings me to my knees, weeping, pleading, begging, releasing, He is glorified.


There are many things in my life that are wonderful.  And when I look back at this time, I find it to be most profitable.  This "sorrow" is good to have.  It brings me to Him.  I find my strength in Him.  I learn more about the me He wants me to become.  My hope is increasing, my hurt is teaching.   I find my heart to be more in line with His.  What hurts Him, hurts me.  Grieves me, even.


I can't divulge all that is a trial to me at this time, but suffice it to say that we all have and will experience times in our lives that are difficult.  The details are just the personal aspect.  Just as God communicates with us on a very deep and personal level, our trials will resonate within our hearts at very deep and personal levels as well.  We do find solace in the knowledge that others may have encountered what we are experiencing, and that God has been their Rock and Redeemer.  We rest on His promises that give us hope.  His promises encourage us to press on.


We accept the deep piercings to our hearts and souls of the feelings that wash over us.  We see them for what they are, feelings.  We know that they don't govern what our responses should be.  We face the conflict of how we want to act and how we know God wants us to act.  We don't allow the sufferings to endure without result.  We want the Lord to do His work within us.  We wouldn't want a lesson or a preparation to go unlearned.  We cling to Him with everything that is in us.  Staying close to His side.  Trusting His goodness.

Psalm 126

5) Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

6)  He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

The List

I have a list.


A list of the things that have happened in my life.  Things I have survived.  It used to be a list that represented all that I had suffered and the things that were suffocating me.  All the strikes I had against me.  


~teenage pregnancy
~handicapped child
~low self-esteem
~running away from home
~family estrangement
~cheating husband
~divorce
~missing child
~illegitimate child
~welfare
~loneliness
~unhealthy relationships
~single parenthood
~miscarriage


It doesn't represent that anymore.  It's a list of all the things I've been rescued from.  All that God has redeemed.  All the things that no longer hold me captive. 


God has taken the ugliness and made something beautiful.  He's given me a way to glorify Him through it, and in spite of it, and quite probably because of it.  He's displayed His goodness to me and how He has held me together through these things.  Now these are just a few of my stones of remembrance as I have marked the spot where I gave them over to Him and let Him make of them what He will.

What does your list look like?  Are you willing to turn it over and allow His love to change the way you feel when you read those words?

His Goodness

Are you still with me?  I'd have to say, after all the mess of the last few posts....I was almost done myself!


God is good.  Do you know this?  Do you really, down deep, in your soul, can't even think otherwise, know this?  He will take you to that place.  He's taking me.  I'm not sure how many times we will have to make this trip or what it will look like but I know He won't let me down.


In all things, having an expectation of good.  


It's for my good and His glory.


~Love~

Spring Storm or What a Difference a Day Makes!

What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the Name of the Lord.

What peace, what peace for those whose confidence is Him alone.

Psalm 28:6-7 (The Message)

Blessed be GOD-

He heard me praying.

He proved He's on my side;

I've thrown my lot in with Him.

Now I'm jumping for joy,

and shouting and singing my thanks to Him.

~So shortly after my moments of despair that I recorded here, I received a phone call from a friend.  What a saving moment that was!  A true gift from the Lord.  She asked to pray with me.  She prayed, and my heart was lifted!  Almost like the cloud had truly just risen.  

She took my hand and led me across that swaying bridge.  Over to where the party was.  And the Lord was there all along.  

My circumstances have not changed.  Everything is still as it was yesterday.  Nothing has yet to be resolved as far as we can tell.  My "worries" are still problems that I need to continue to turn over to the Lord.  But how thankful I am that He prompts me to share with dear friends who protect my heart and are willing to pray with me.  Love me.  Care for me in the darkness.

New Day, New Mercies.

It's 11:00am and it looks as if it is 7:00am!  It is so dark and "gloomy" outside.  The thunder is rolling, the rain is falling, there's a chill in the air.  Such loveliness!  I love this kind of weather.  It does not depress me, in fact, quite the opposite, it energizes and uplifts me.  Allows me to revel in moments of quietness, sipping coffee, wrapped up in warm, comfy sweats, looking outside and pondering.  This weather was made for pondering.  And comfort food.  Chicken noodle soup anyone?  Deep theological discussion over tea?  Giving God praise for His faithful provision?  

Come on over, it's a new day.  :-)

The Bridge

I am finding such encouragement from post like this one. 

My wonderful friends don't even realize how I am encouraged and uplifted by their words...even when they are the words of another.

I feel as if I'm in a very dark place right now.  My heart is heavy and the burden seems cumbersome.  I thought I would be writing for reasons other than catharsis.  

I feel as if I am on the side of a great ravine with a swaying bridge that spans the gulf.  Everyone is living life and experiencing joy on the other side.  While I only hear the sound of the wind and the faint tinkling of party noises from the side I stand on.  It's cold here.  It's windy.  It's hollow.  It seems as if others are quite capable of handling their problems well.  And up until just a few days ago, I seemed to be doing so myself.  The trouble was there, I just wasn't "undone" by it.  Now I'm huddled here a lonely, confused, quiet lump.  The tears threatening to swallow me up and drown me.  The confusion only confusing me.  I want to sleep until the storm has passed.  Until the babies are grown and well-adjusted.  Until someone comes and walks me across the bridge.  When I am fit to be part of polite society again.  When the "real" that is me isn't such a downer.  When I don't have any complaints to make.  When I can add to rather than take from.  When the things I am facing have done whatever it is they are going to do and the transition has been made.  

1) Don't turn a deaf ear when I call You, GOD.

If all I get from You is deafening silence,

I'd be better off in the Black Hole.

2) I'm letting You know what I need,

calling out for help

and lifting my arms

toward Your inner sanctum.

Psalm 28 The Message

Whatever It Takes....?

Many months ago, I began praying specifically about the salvation of a particular family member.  I spoke with God and released to Him this promise:  Whatever it takes.

We are now coming to understand the "whatever it takes".  Had I known then what I know now...

I can't even begin to let you in on all that is going on in our lives, but suffice it to say, we are facing spiritual, physical, emotional and financial dilemmas like none I have ever known.  I feel as if we have been in the dark for the past 6 months.  And yet, not oppressive darkness, but a protective darkness.  I feel and sense His presence in ways that are unexplainable.  I know He is with me.  He is doing a work, and I am able to see where He has been.  

A month or so ago, I read this post by a dear sister.  It speaks to my heart even this minute.  She means so much to me.  The Lord has used her in ways she probably isn't even aware of.  He has gifted me with quite a few dear, close, wonderful women who love Him and love me as well.  What blessings to me!  

He is the Giver of all good things.    

Today I am prepared to allow Him to work in me and keep the refining flame close.  I don't wish to have all that is being used to change me removed or my circumstances changed (although the relief of a few would be sweet!) but to be pliant and mold-able into that which He wants me to become. 

Glorified

The process of allowing God to be glorified in my life is difficult at best.  As I thought of those words this evening, while worshiping with all of Horizon, I was overwhelmed by what that means.  

Death.

Death to self and how I want it to be.  What I want it to look like.  It's about what God wants my life to look like.  I really do want Him to be glorified, but that means making choices that don't usually jive with how I feel and how I want to respond.  But slowly, slowly (all on my part!) He is teaching me to WANT to want to make the right choices.  The choices He has for me.  And the amazing thing about all of this?  When I finally release it, finally let go, finally trust Him to do the great thing I know He's going to do with whatever it is I'm struggling with, He amazes me.  Blows me away.  

And I'm always surprised.  Go figure.  Guess it's a good thing to never stop being amazed, eh?

What does life mean to you?

I saw a question today, posted in someone's status on Facebook.

What does life mean to you?

Do YOU have an answer?  I'd be interested to know.  I know what life means to me.  More today than any other day I've ever been alive.  I feel Him working in me.  I am aware of the constant struggle, His desire to shape my soul, my desire to remain the selfish sinner I am.  

It's difficult to be introspective and try to figure out what you feel about certain things.  Taking a magnifying glass to your own heart and life mean that you become accountable and are faced with the inevitability of some aspect needing to change.

And the change is hard.  Painful.  Can be long.  Can suck the wind from your sails.  Can leave you breathless and wondering what all this change is about anyway.  And then, there's this issue of what lies on the other side of this change.  Is it for better?  Or will my heart ache, will my spirit be quenched, will my passion suffer?  

When we know and understand how He purposes events and change in our lives, only then do we understand the process better.  We may progress from a total unwillingness, perhaps to resignation, and finally, to acceptance that is joyful and desired.  

The Broken Heart of a Boy

Today the Lord allowed me a glimpse of something awesome.  The broken heart of a nine year old boy.  Now, before you judge this momma for being too harsh and evil, allow me to explain.

Tonight the Kingdom of Heaven Kidz Choir sang the national anthem at a Pacers game.  It was awesome!  They did an amazing job.  So thankful for their sweet little voices.  :-)  As we were walking out to our van, headed home, there was a man sitting on the steps that led to our parking lot.  We were quite a ways from any signs of life.  He was the only person we encountered after leaving the fieldhouse.  He had a sign that read:  

I am homeless, need money for food.  God bless you.

We passed by the man.  I saw him but didn't know what to do or say.  Ashton asked if we had cash.  He wanted to know, could we go back and give him some money?  Neither his dad nor I had any cash.  Besides, is that really the avenue we wanted to take?  You know what they say....they will just spend it on alcohol, drugs, whatever else that doesn't really meet a "need".  But does that matter?  What happens when we are faithful to God's call?  We are blessed.  That man is then responsible for how he uses the money.  But I digress...back to a boy with a broken heart.  

As we began traveling home, we could hear sniffles from the very back of our van.  Ashton has had the "sniffles" for quite a few days, so I dutifully handed back some tissue.  As I listened, I could hear him softly sobbing.  Victor and I both asked him why, not at all understanding what could possibly be the problem.  I couldn't begin to guess what had him so sad.  Finally, after we got out of Indianapolis proper, we pulled over to get some gas.  After much coaxing, Ashton came up to where I had opened the door and allowed me to soothe him.   As he calmed down somewhat, he was able to tell me why he was crying.  That sweet boy was so sad over this homeless man.  He so badly wanted to have done something for him.  So we did the only thing we could at that point.  We prayed together.  I explained to him that even though we couldn't help, we know the One who can.  The One who can do anything, the One who loves that man more than we do.  I gave him and Elli another snuggle, got them buckled back up, and we got back on the road toward home.  

He continued to cry for another 40 minutes.

I let him.

I gave thanks to God for a boy who has a heart for others.

I rejoiced in my son's tears. 

I prayed, and prayed, and prayed that this experience would sink deep within him and give him a calling to show Christ's love to others.