Messy Thoughts on This and That

This time it is me.  Sitting in the dark.  Heart fluttering.  Mind wandering.  Nerves exposed.

So many years ago, I was the on the other end of this.  Did my mother feel these things?  Did she worry?  Was she nervous?  Did she and my father talk about the options?  Did she have any idea what was to come?  Did any of us?  

Whispered prayers fill the silence.  That and husband's game that he is playing.  This is how he works off the nervous energy.  It is dark.  It's nearly the end of this day and the beginning of the next.  There is a car in the driveway, it holds a precious child and his friend.  Talking.  Hashing.  Processing.

I didn't think about it.  That's how I took care of it.  I had told no one.  Not one person.  I kept it locked in my heart.  I didn't speak.  But someone knew.  Someone knew.  Someone told.

What is this?  Why do you want to talk to us?  Why won't you just come in?  Tell us, tell us, TELL ME what it is you want to tell me!  Speak the words I am anxious to hear.  Let's get this out, figure it out, fix this problem.

My mother sits on the end of my bed.  "I'm sorry" is all I can say.  In my mind:  "I didn't know how to tell you.  I didn't mean for this to happen.  The truth is so different from what I've told you but you'll never believe me.  I didn't know where to go.  I didn't know Who to turn to!  I just want to be loved.  I just want to know happiness.  I'm searching, hungry, flailing.  Help me."


Ah, you're in.  Let's get this over with....what?  That's all it is?  THAT?!  That's NOTHING.  It certainly isn't what I thought it would be.  I had all the plans set to deal with what I thought it would be.  And now that I was prepared for that, this doesn't sound so bad.  It's ok.  We are here for you.  We aren't angry.  We just want you to be what God wants you to be.  (God!  Please place a calling on his young life-make it very evident!!)  We want to support you.  We want to encourage you.  (Thank you Jesus, that it wasn't that.)

God is bigger than this.
God is bigger than that.

God, I'm on my knees here.  Let them learn from my own detour.  There are roads I've already been down.  I know the treacherous routes they were.  They weren't dead ends-by no means-but they weren't easy.  Not that I'm looking for easy.  But definitely, definitely not this detour.

Not this time.  But there is still that possibility.  There are more years to fill up with the asking, searching, seeking hearts.  Will they seek You?  Have I taught them where to go with their questions?  I can only do so much.  Your grace must cover all.  ALL.  Even (especially?) the parts that I have played in their lives.

I will continue to seek You.  My God.  My King.

They will see better than they will hear.  

With Me

Heard this wonderful little bit in a sermon today....struck me hard, haven't been able to shake it so instead, I will share it.

Exodus 3:11-12

Picture this:  the Israelites are in bondage in Egypt.  Moses is now a grown man with a wife and son.  He's assuming he is to settle in Midian, this land that is foreign to him.  But God hears the cries of the Israelites in their slavery.  He remembers His covenant with them.  He is concerned about them.  God has chosen Moses to lead them out of their bondage.  He appears to Moses in a burning bush.  He speaks to Moses, telling him that He is sending him to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt.

What is Moses' response?

"Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

And God said, " I will be with you."

Did you see what happened there?  God didn't build Moses up.  He didn't say, "You can do this!" or " I believe in you!" He didn't tell Moses what a great guy he was or how wonderful he was.  He didn't reflect on what a good father or husband he happened to be.  He did nothing to build up Moses' self-esteem.  He didn't respond with flowery speeches meant to motivate Moses into setting out on this mission with fervor.

"I will be with you."

Oh my.  Isn't that really all we need?

When I say to God,
"Who am I, that I should be qualified to do this?"
"Who am I, that I should do this?"
"Who am I, that I should want to do this?"
"Who am I, that I could be of any help?"
"Who am I, that anyone will listen?"
"Who am I, that I could make a difference?"
"Who am I, that anyone will care?"

God replies simply,

"I will be with you."

He will be with me.  

I find it unimaginably wonderful that He will be with me.  I won't be doing this alone.  Actually, I won't really be doing it at all, I will simply be the vessel through which He works.

As a side note:  this didn't end Moses' questioning.  You can read all about it yourself as you follow through Exodus.  But God was good then to Moses, and He is good to me here and now.  He will be good to the future generations and one day, one day, we will all dance and sing together with Him in our midst at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

Praise Jesus.  He is with us.

The Sweetness of God

I saw this blog post via a friend.  LOVE IT.  Cannot, absolutely canNOT say it any better than this.  So, so thankful to my wonderful husband for allowing me to (and wanting me to even!) stay home with my babes.  I have two older children that I was unable to stay home with in their younger years.  I've been SO gifted to have spent my younger two children's lives at home with them.  And another cool thing?!  Just the other day, my husband said to me:  " I find that I still want you to be home when our children come home from school.  I still don't want you working outside the home."  YAY!  Blessing upon blessing heaped upon this mother's heart!

Now to really live out God's calling upon my heart.

Wife.
Mother.
God-fearing woman.

My assignment does not meet up with my ability but God CAN.  And God WILL.  He equips those who seek His calling.  He is changing me-daily.  Sometimes I don't find it so pleasant.  (I mean seriously, have you been following this blog or what?!)  But His grace is sufficient and He is so good.  I'm thankful for His patience and His mercy.  He is whittling away the outer layers that hide the "me" He is revealing underneath.  I do like her better.  Hopefully, she is beginning to look a lot more like Him.  :-)

~Blessings~

New Joy

Today God has gifted me with an intense rush of the "feel-it" kind of joy.

He has lifted my face from the floor where it has been and He has set a smile upon my face.  He is good.  And while I have known this intellectually, today, I know this in a visceral way.  He is just good.  

His sweet presence is enough.

Knowing He holds my world in His hands is enough.

Knowing I don't need anything but Him is enough.

He is good.

...and that's enough.   

Loving Him so much more today than I did yesterday!

The Gentle Healer

I am hesitant.  I've been burned before.  I don't want to just jump carefree, headlong, with abandon out into the unknown because lately, the unknown has become the known that has hurt me.  Left horrible welts on me.  Cut into my heart and left scars there.  Therefore, I've become skittish, unsure, not exactly eager to dive in and get slammed again.  I've been crying out for healing, restoration but honestly, I haven't been the compliant patient.  I haven't opened myself up to that healing.  To be honest?  I'm too tired to do the work anymore.  It seems the minute I step out in faith, I am assailed by flying debris specifically meant to keep me from going any further.  And it has worked thus far.  At least the last few weeks and possibly months.  I sense God calling me out, one more step, just one more....but I've plunked myself down in the middle of the path and curled up to rest.  Really quite uncaring of what is happening around me, just wake me when it's finished...when it's safe...when it's no longer chaotic.

I do know there is such awesomeness on the "other side" of this.  But I feel as if it's been dangled in front of me like that never-caught-up-to carrot.  It's promised but I just don't have the stamina to continue on...and on....and on...and on....this particular weariness has been so pervasive, so long, so deep, so all-consuming.  Just when I think it is on the way out....

This is the salve to my wounded heart:

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

28.Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.

29.Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.

30.For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Gentle Healer, please come to me today, accept my willing spirit, my painfully weak humanity, my strong desire for ease and transform me.

I will continue to seek rest from the Healer, Comforter, Restorer of my soul.  The One who loves me beyond all that I can imagine.  So thankful for His goodness and His patience today.

Tuesday Joy

Notes of love from a praying friend, sweet pictures drawn by her children, individual scripture messages to carry around with me, my "Thankfulness" journal, Bible opened to a very well read chapter in Psalms, phone calls from two other praying friends, and lunch with a friend who's on her way home from her visit here to Indiana.

So thankful for the way God romances me.  He loves my heart and my soul and longs to sweep me off my feet.  It's time to simply fall into it and let Him whisk me away to that place of comfort, healing, restoration, and joy.

This would be the sofrito once it is all ready to be poured into container(s) to freeze.  Not quite the best looking stuff, eh?  But the smell IS wonderful and the flavor it packs....woohoo!  I can look at it long enough for that.  Happy enjoyment!

Heaven

Oh.my.

This is what heaven looks like!!  If my home could even remotely resemble half of these photos....

Joy

JOY = trusting the Lord in all things and having full confidence of salvation through Christ.


I suppose I have always imagined joy to look different.  Somehow, even though I know that joy does not equate with happiness, I have imagined it to look like happiness.  That must be where the breakdown is.  I've always pictured a smiling face, a laugh, a warm feeling.  


Ahhhh, but joy IS those things.  When I see it as He sees it.  I CAN smile, laugh and have warm feelings, knowing all the while that I can trust the Lord in ALL things and that I will one day dance with Him in heaven.  The world and it's chaos may swirl around me but I can have a sense of peace and assurance (read: JOY!) that grips my heart and doesn't let me down.  


He upholds me with His mighty, righteous right hand!  

Beachy-keen!

I'm SO craving a trip to the beach!  Even in the searing, awful, wretched heat I would gladly sit on a beach.  I'd love to hear the ocean waves as they crash upon the shore, feel the sweet soaking of my toes as they sink into the wet sand where the sea and the land meet.  It's been over 5 years since we have been, and we used to go regularly!  Missing it a LOT.  We have dear, dear friends who live in Sarasota, Florida.  It would be a treat to get to go visit....I'd like to see their smiling faces as well!

Sweet Sofrito!

I am blessed to know and be surrounded by adventurous, brilliant, creative women!  I'm so thankful for all that I can soak in from each one of them.

So saying, I have this particular friend who is married to a man who's father is of Puerto Rican descent and he was raised in Puerto Rico.  She is a fantastic cook and has shared many ideas with me.  Our latest (and probably favorite!!!) is making homemade sofrito.  Sofrito is generally used as an additive to sauces, specifically, tomato-based sauces.  I add it to the PR dishes I make at home, spaghetti sauce, and chili.  I'll share the recipe although everyone just kind of makes it their own, YOU know how much of which particular ingredient you like!

Sofrito
1 bunch Cilantro
8 leaves of culantro (if you can't find add some extra cilantro)
1 head of garlic
2 large onion
1/2 lb. sweet chili peppers
2 large green bell peppers
? cup olives with pimientos
1 sm jar roasted red peppers
1 tbsp. cappers
2 tbsp. crushed oregano
1 tbsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
1 cup EVOO (extra virgin olive oil)
Rinse, peel and chopp vegetables. Combine in food processor and puree.
Spoon into ice tray and freeze. Store cubes in zip-loc bag. Each cube measures 1 tbs .
Copyright 2009 - All Rights Reserved - TheNoshery.com



This recipe is from a website entitled TheNoshery as you will note on that last line.  It's a great place to visit, I encourage you to try it out!  Also, I believe that culantro is coriander but not sure.  It doesn't look so great when you get it all pureed up but the smell is absolutely divine!


Hope you are interested in giving this recipe a try-you absolutely will NOT regret it!!  

The Dark Night of the Soul

To clarify, I never thought that this would start on what seems like such a "down" note.  It just so happens that I've begun this blogging process during a season that could be considered the "dark night of the soul".  As a Christian woman, I am in a time of diligently seeking God.  He is growing me in ways that are unimaginable.  At the same time, what comes with this is a period of learning desert survival.  He is helping me to mature.  To learn to drive blind, without sensual support(a consumer mentality, a need for the "experience"), through this night of faith.  I am learning to lean on Him and Him alone.  Many times I have cried out to Him, begging for a release, for victory, for deliverance from the myriad little things that assail me.  I have not received resolution on any one thing.  Being a person that marks notes and dates in the margins, I have looked back at the notes in my Bible (I am DEEP in the Psalms!) and I have read and reread chapters where the dates are six months apart.  And how interesting that this time has come upon the heels of such a show of faithfulness!

In a post for another time, I will chronicle more of the awesome miracle that took place on October 29th of 2010.  Just to give you an idea, I located the son who had been missing for 19 years.  My son, for whom I had longed for and desired to know.  But, I've found, as God has shown His faithfulness, so He wants to grow me even MORE.

While I'd like to say I can (and am) always looking to Him and trusting Him, I vacillate between understanding why this is happening, and being thankful for it, to desperately wanting delivered and to being many months past this season.  He has a purpose for me and for this and I don't want to leave here without learning what it is He has for me to learn.

I think the thing is, we don't always talk about this time as Christians.  How when we are seeking His face there are times when it is tough.  Being a servant of God is not always a hunky-dory experience.  Really, REALLY seeking Him, we find that our hearts do break, and we get a better glimpse of what it is for Him as His heart breaks for His children.  He doesn't want our suffering any more than we do but choices have been made that make suffering inevitable.  And the sweet beauty of it is that it brings us that much closer to Him.  When my heart aches because I have loved ones that don't know Him, that is a good kind of hurt.  When my heart is breaking for the injustice that I see perpetrated daily in our world, that is the right kind of hurt.  It shows that my heart is becoming more like His.