Manna from Heaven

It falls gently.  Blowing and dancing about in the wind.  In the light of the street lamp, it glistens and floats about in a scatter.

It's one of my great loves.  Cold, frosty, wet, no-two-alike, drifting to earth at a sedate speed of around 3 miles per hour.

I find such joy in the quietness of watching it snow.

I don't know when the fascination began.  Only that I could not, would not, ever live where I couldn't have snow.  Especially in the month of December.

I only recall that it brings to mind many pleasant memories.

One Christmas eve, with all the family here, here in my home.  A few of us stood on the porch step, right outside the door.  Reluctant to go back in to the noise.  Savoring the quiet, unhurriedness that is snowfall.  We watched it fall from the dark night sky.  The sound of the city just enough to give background, not enough to overpower.  Inside, people chattering, laughing, the sounds of many different conversations colliding to make a not altogether unpleasant white noise.

It's the moment when time stands still.  Your mind is free to move in any direction. We didn't talk to one another, each lost in our thoughts.  I can't say what the others were thinking, or even if they would remember it.  I know that for me, the moment was spent imprinting it into my memory bank and enjoying it's sweetness so that it could be savored for many other snowfalls to come.

I'm ever grateful for the moments God gives me to step back, savor, snap a "memory-graph".  Quite often I find myself retreating, not physically, but in my head, and taking in the scene.

I'm also thankful that we are now in the season where this opportunity should present itself often.

I imagine it looks very much like the Israelites manna that came from heaven.

Don't hate me for my love of snow.

It really is God's sweet gift to me.

Lover of My Soul

The best time I've had this weekend was a dance party at midnight with 20 other young ladies.  Truly lovely.  

Not that I actually danced.  But watching and listening to the pounding beats and giggling girls was like balm to a broken soul.  

Not broken in a tortured sort of way...but lately my heart has been so heavy.  Heavy with the weight of the world.  The hopelessness, brokenness, sinfulness of life can leave a soul feeling empty, bereft of comfort.  Lacking strength. Left adrift, wandering aimlessly.  

Unless we know Jesus, of course.  

I now understand that this should be the condition of my heart - broken -  not "bricked" up by a wall of safety.  One that keeps me protected and "seemingly" safe on the inside.  That kind of hard heart also keeps me from knowing the joy, peace, and comfort that only my Savior can give.  In order to love others, my heart must be broken.  Soft.  Open.  His love is poured in.  Out of the overflow, I offer it to others.

My heart is the broken vessel, the cracked clay pot if you will,  that God wants me to leave at His feet as an offering.  He fills it up and the light that shines throughout is His light, His love, pouring out of me.  In this, it is thus redeemed, made usable, given value.  

He is amazing.  And so worthy.  My Savior and Healer.  The One who is preparing my heart and soul for bigger things yet to come.  He is my strength and my comfort.

Lover of my (wounded) soul.

Window Space

Husband has given me some precious moments to myself.  He has offered to take the little ones to school.

It's quiet.  Outside the window, the leaves fall silently.  I watch them flutter past.  I don't see where they come from, I don't see where they land.  Not today anyway.  I know the tree they have left, and I do know their landing place.  It just isn't within my line of vision for this moment.  All I have is the space of a window.

I miss him.
Too many things left unsaid.
So many things I wanted to say...but didn't.
I love him.
This man-child who must make his way.

I know where he comes from.
Do I know where he will land?

For now, all I have is the space of a window.

The Goodness of Life and Just How Short It Is

Many thoughts to ponder.

Life has been up and down these past many weeks.  But God is amazing and as strong as ever.

What causes our melancholy do you suppose?  It makes for a time of reflection.  Looking back, taking stock, moving forward.  A reevaluation of goals and purpose.  Returning to the Standard for our living.

He gives joy.  Such joy.

Many of my days have had heartache in them but it's the good kind.  The heartache that is part of transition.

And the joy is ever-increasing.

God comes through, makes Himself known and so evident in our lives - even in the tiniest of things.  In the things we think may not matter at all.

How do you capture the moment of all that is happening around you?  What words do you say to describe something that can't be defined?

The goodness juxtaposed against the pain.

This IS how life is lived.  Knowing more of God makes you more aware of the trouble that is of this world.  And shutting it out is not an option.  So many things in life that pull on our hearts, making them heavy.  But the joy that comes from the Lord, living by grace, gives us hope.  We have hope as we look to eternity.  To the day He returns for His bride and we are rejoicing forever.

So, all this being said, I leave you with two songs today. Two favorites that have different flavors to them but both enjoyed today.  Back to back, actually.

Enjoy...

When the Lord's In It...

Scraggly beard.  Sweatpants, blazer, good shoes.  He is beside me, looking at the shelves.  I reach to get butter...

"Would you like me to reach something for you?"

          "Oh no, thank you.  Just looking.  Not even sure..."

"I understand.  They do that, you know, move stuff around to confuse us."

          "Yes"....with a chuckle.

"Have a good day!"

          "At my age, every day is good.  Even better with the Lord in it!"  

"Amen to that!" ...over my shoulder.

I walk away with a smile.  

An early morning Friday visit to the grocery.  Usually, this type of visit has been on Mondays but lately, with the state of our lives, I'm fortunate to make it whenever I can.  What a blessing to be here this day, today.

It's cold.  Rainy.  Damp.
Perfect.
My favorite type of fall day.

Home now.  Unload.
What's this?  My hands are full, shaking, can't get the door open fast enough.  Drop the cargo onto the floor, the eggs weren't in that, were they?  Never mind, this is important.  A letter via UPS.  Oh my, oh my....could it be?!

I tear into it.  Scan the contents....oh yes, oh YES, it IS.  Just what we've been waiting-almost TWO YEARS- to hear about.

It's good.

It's REALLY good.

He's good.

He's REALLY good.

It's even better, yes, BETTER than we ever thought.

Praise You Jesus, we give praise to YOU!

This could have only been accomplished through Him.

It's good, but even better when the Lord's in it. 

The Eating Habits of Locusts

What the locust swarm has left

the great locusts have eaten;

what the great locusts have left

the young locusts have eaten;

what the young locusts have left

other locusts have eaten.

Joel 1:4

Today I sit here filled with regret.  The locusts have eaten my crop and I am wondering what to do with this empty field.

Regret is not the same as simply longing for the years that were, regret desires a different outcome.  Regret wishes to make changes.  Regret wishes it wouldn't have been the way it was.

I wish...I wish...I wish....

At the same time, this feeling of never wanting to return to those years is just as strong.  The past that is behind I don't wish to dwell on.  I remember it well enough to know that God has saved me from it, from the awfulness that was, and I can contrast it to how amazing His grace and redemption are.  I look forward with hope.

And now, I must do the same here.  With this empty field.  With the brokenness that comes from poor choices and consequences that aren't pleasant.

Return to the LORD your God,

for He is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and abounding in love,

and He relents from sending calamity.

Joel 1:13b

Many years have passed since I have sown this field.  And yet, I know the harvest is not ready to be reaped.  It's this in-between, the times of drought and beating sun.  What will the harvest yield?

Be glad, O people of Zion,

rejoice in the LORD your God,

for He has given you 

the autumn rains in righteousness.

He sends you abundant showers,

both autumn and spring rains, as before.

The threshing floors will be filled with grain;

the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-

the great locust and the young locust,

the other locusts and the locust swarm...

You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, 

and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has worked wonders for you...

Joel 2:23-26a

My hope is in the Lord.

  

He is with me.

He is mighty to save.

He takes great delight in me.

He will quiet me.

He will rejoice over me with singing. 

I will wait as He brings forth the harvest.

Jesus And My Breaking Heart

Nothing can prepare you for the way your heart feels as it is being broken.  Oh, you can hear descriptive words about it, hear others talk about it, but nothing, nothing is adequate to convey what it is really like until you know it.

I have known this type of heartache before.  Many years ago, as a young mother, my oldest boy was kidnapped from me as a babe.  At the same time, the man I thought I would make a life with, left me pregnant and alone.  In another state.  Not knowing Jesus.  Numb.  I remember stumbling around - literally - while a friend led me around.  I was in a stupor.  Crying at anything.  Not having direction.  Always looking down.  Broken.

I have shut off that ability to feel this deeply.  Ah, now I remember why.  And now I understand why others stay where they are.  Not feeling, walking around numb.  Young in their faith and immature in their trust.  Because the growth doesn't appear to outweigh the pain involved.  You don't realize the goodness on the other side until you are there (no, I'm not there with this one) and so, to step out seems too much.

But this time, there is Jesus.

This time, that makes all the difference.

Giving Thanks

I say "thank You" this morning for all the sweet little things...

the sun bright
the morning cool
the husband sweet
the children snuggly
the wisdom provided
the love all encompassing.

I give You my laundry list of what I need...

healing for this
healing for that
healing for others
love for Your Word
softened hearts
clarity of direction
wisdom with finances

The laundry list expands...my mind reels, I can't keep all the thoughts in one place...cannot make sense of all that is overwhelming me....this friend needs this, this child has this need, my husband, my parents, my church, my pastors, my heart....

Lord, Lord!  Please make sense of my mess.  Please hear my words and the cries - the nonverbal utterings - of my heart and piece them together.  This is the chaos.  You are the Master.  You will weave all of it together and make something beautiful of this mess that is placed at Your feet.  Your hands are mighty and powerful!  Your works are wonderful!

You heal, You create, You rescue, You save, You soften, You teach, You give, You protect, You restore, You redeem, You love.

Your love is better than life!!  Better than anything and anyone that holds me here, in this place, on this earth!  Better than ALL.

I surrender all to You, Lord and seek Your will.

Will I continue to give thanks when things don't turn out the way I think they should?

Grace Thought for This Day

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  ~U2

More Grace to Ponder

To be grateful is to recognize the Love of God in everything He has given us - and He has given us everything.  Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is a grace, for it brings with it immense graces from Him.  Gratitude therefore takes nothing for granted, is never unresponsive, is constantly awakening to new wonder and to praise of the goodness of God.  For the grateful person knows that God is good, not by hearsay but by experience.  And that is what makes all the difference.  

Thomas Merton

"Re-posted" from a friend.  Italics added.

This says it all, encompassing all that my recent thoughts have acknowledged.

Gratefulness.

Goodness.

Grace.

All is grace.

Grace 101 - Intro to Grace

A woman whose book I have come to love as a favorite makes the statement that all is grace.

All?  Every bit of it?  The sum total, the entire lot, or each and every individual moment and experience?

Isn't it just the beaming faces of accomplishment?  The saving of one from some devastating illness or accident?  The palpable current that flows between lovers in love?  The blessing of children, the fruit of the womb and heart?  Flowers gifted for no apparent reason, or the unexpected hug from a loved one?  Or perhaps the narrow miss of something so dreadful, too awful to contemplate?

Could it also be...

spilled milk?
a broken heart?
a missing child?
a fatal illness?
a tragic mishap?
a distant husband?
a painful marriage?


If we count all that He gives us as grace - unmerited ( not earned ), undeserved, freely given favor - then we must count all - the overall, AND the momentary.  For the complete picture only is His to see, not ours.  We count as grace all that is because the moments add up to the sum total which is His perfect plan for us.  It is why we have hope and we look to eternity for it is there that the minutes add up to what is important - the total of our lives.  The complete and perfect sum.

Lord, may we acknowledge that all is Your grace abounding in love.  Perfect love.  That Your plan is for hope and a future, a future with You.  That we trust what we cannot see because we believe in the promises You have given us.

All IS grace.

A Psalm of Love

Today, my heart hurts.

I long for the time we are together.

When life won't be the complicated mess that it is.

When people I care about won't be sad.  Or angry.  Or desperate.

When the only joy we will know is Your presence, the very presence of You.  

I love You, Jesus.

I sing songs of praise to You.

My soul rejoices.

You give life to me.

You have lifted me from the depths.

You know my days and You have a plan for each one of them.

May my life reflect You.  May it point to You and Your wonderful deeds.

Even when it looks messy.  Insurmountable.  Impossible.

For all things, all things, are possible...

With You.

This, the color of my love, the song of my heart, the praise of my lips.

May it ever be to You.  Most High.  Almighty.

Sustainer of life, Giver of all good things.

Teach me to bring glory to Your Name.

I think I've got it.  Figured it out.  What's in the wheelbarrow, that is.

My offering.

All that I have to give to Him.

Ever before me.

Offered up.

Going before.

Being lifted up by faith, being displayed by my works.

It's me.

The Believing

I didn't have my camera with me.  It was the perfect shot.

An entire row of them, flying past the window of my car.  I've stopped to let them pass, the sound of the gears changing, chains ratcheting, the rubber of the tires as they hit the pavement and quickly pick up on the other side.  The wheels are spinning, the boys are laughing,  hurrying past to get to class.

Further away, the soybeans flutter in a breeze that belies the sticky heat.  Silvery waves that go on for miles.  The sun beats down on us.  We've got very few places to retreat.  The pavement is hot and the air is heavy.  The tabernacle, of interminable age, with lofty heights and creaky wood is a marginal refuge in the dismal heat of the day. Whatever breeze there happens to be floats through the open spaces between the planks.

Later, after we've lifted our praises together in that lovely place, and the visiting evangelist has spoken Truth to us from the Word, an older gentleman stops me.

"See here," he says, "Thomas said he must see it to believe it, but that's not what the pastor said, he said you must believe it to see it."

"Yes." says I.

He goes on, "it's like a wheelbarrow see, one hand you have works, but you aren't saved by works.  The other hand is the faith.  The believing."

Ah yes, the believing.

But what's IN the wheelbarrow?

What is it that I have out there in front of me, pushing before...or perhaps always reaching toward?

Shouldn't I know, in order to really believe?  Believe that what is here is only temporary and that what is "there" is more real than what I could ever know now, here?

Is it hope?

Is it Jesus?

If one hand, even ONE lets go, that wheelbarrow becomes practically impossible to move.  Certainly far more difficult than it was ever intended.

Is it the working out of my salvation?

On the one hand, faith.  The choice to believe and be saved.

On the other hand, works.  The product of my salvation, by faith.

The one hand doing tangible things that can be seen, the other hand simply making the choice to do what is asked.

To have faith.

To believe. 

First Night

The deluge has caused everyone to run in from outside.  From my vantage point, up on the stage behind the gentleman speaking, I have a great opportunity to watch them.

It is with laughter and joy that they filter in.

God, creating reason for us all to be squished together so closely in community.  Forcing us together when we have chosen our own respective comfort zones apart from one another.

We are at camp meeting.  It is so very hot up here where I am but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  The view that I have from my seat is amazing.  So many people, in the heat, on hard benches, listening to how the Lord is working in lives, in hearts, in the camp.

When we are finished and it is time for the choir to brave the rain and make their way to their seats, I find mine.  At the very back, the very.last.row.  Husband is waiting patiently.  I wonder if we will be able to concentrate on the message.  So many distractions there.  But it causes me to realize that God meets me even in the very back.  Wherever I am.

He is there.

Stewardship of Grace

This is my favorite place to be.

I stand in front of a huge black pot, sliced onion and garlic sizzling at the bottom.  Just a touch of olive and salt...smell of love.

...Your grace found me...

I hear the words sung to a tune drift through the air.  Baby gorgeous has her head down over a table of beads.  She's stringing together words that make up the thoughts of her mind on this Saturday afternoon.

...happy girl....from a flower life...wow be sweet...

All pink and purple and yellow and fun.  What is a "flower life" anyway?

There's a basket of laundry in the middle of the floor.  Piles of coverings that we choose to display our personality.  Or to disguise it.

I hear the tumble, tumble, thud of the dryer.  Blankets, all caught up within one another, rolled into a ball.  Not allowing the heat and the tossing to do their job.  To extract the damp and leave them soft and without moisture.

Water to the pot, now the slow rise to a boil.  Time to gather thoughts.

Back to grace....

...grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within...

I am in desperate need of Your grace today Lord.  A tangible acceptance of Your grace.  I know it's here.  It encircles me...I must reach out and grasp it.  Welcome it into my heart, allow it to change, heal, grow my soul.  No turning of my back to it or You.  A face-to-face embrace of all the You have for me.  I physically open up my chest, I look upwards to you.  My hands are open.  My heart is open.  Fill me up.

Zucchini, yellow squash, cauliflower, carrots...all into the pot.  This is Your bounty.  The nourishment of my soul.

Stewardship of Grace.  

Grace received.  Grace extended.

Fill me with grace and mercy.  Give me eyes to see and a heart to trust.  You have a plan and it plays out.  Tempered by Your grace and mercy.

‎"O waiting soul, be still, be strong,

And though He tarry, trust and wait;
Doubt not, He will not wait too long,
Fear not, He will not come too late.

Love That Will Not Let Me Go

I'm wondering if and how she will sleep tonight.  This mother who now has one less living child.  The thought of her and what she must be feeling is hanging on me like a weight.  I don't know her.  I've met her only once.  But she is a mother and to that I can relate.

Two dear friends will be ministering to her and her family.  How I am sure they wish they could all go back to this morning....when life was still normal.

The two young siblings, what things must be going through their minds tonight?  How my heart grieves with them.  For them.  This is life now.  This....this emptiness.  This hole where once stood a vibrant girl on the verge of being a lovely young lady.  This older sister who shared laughs and teasing, who made sandwiches and gave hugs.

This morning, my day began singing praise.  Giving thanks.  I stood in my kitchen with the biggest knife I own in one of my uplifted hands, face upturned to the ceiling, water running in the sink, music coming from the radio...giving glory to my God and King.

At the time, I almost felt like a fool.

Not so much now.

I'm so thankful.  Thankful for the life that fills these walls.  Thankful for the arguments and pouting.  Thankful for the prayers and praises sung.  Thankful for the slammed doors and the stomping feet.  Evidence of life and breath and earthly presence.

In a few very short days, when all is over and the people are gone, these are the things she will miss.  This  mother's heart aches for her.

Earlier, as I was trying to form thoughts into words that could resemble some sort of prayer, this song came to my mind....

remember to pause the player at the bottom of this page

Praying that she may find comfort in a love that will not let her go....

Life Giving Word

My brain is slow today.  Muddled by the heat perhaps?  It's so hot.

Heat index hot.
Sticky, can't breathe hot.
Sunglasses-fogging-over hot.
Ick.  Ewww.

I find solace at the kitchen table.  In the middle of a home where the cold air is abundant.  Where all that is here is the sound of the fridge running.  The click of the keys on the computer in the front room where restless-boy is playing a game.  Faint sounds of cartoons drifting high among the all the other sounds, not restless-boy this time but blessing-girl happy that her brother of but three years older isn't around.

Rest.  I hear a home at rest.

A heart at rest, in any case.

I sit at the table, having spent some time in the Word.  I sit and just look at the pages.  The pages of the Book that is life-changing.  I love to hear the crinkly sounds of the pages as they are turned.  The weight of several as it's flipped to another verse.  I feel the curve of it as it lies open under my palms.  I sense it's breath of life and love.  I soak in the words of the day...

...unfailing love...


...by grace you have been saved...


...love better than life...

Words that breathe hope into a heavy heart.  Words that chase away clouds of despair.  Words that tell of His greatness and speak the promises given.  The corners are curled.  The edging is all but disappeared.  The first few and last pages are crumpled into messy accordion folds.  As I move pages, notes and messages, cards and reminders spill out of it.  I read, and reread, underline-with a ruler, no less-words that pour Truth into my soul.  Knowing that the Word is simply His love letter to me, I thank Him for something tangible to hold in my hands.  Examples of those gone before; instruction, encouragement, poetry, history, Jesus' words.  Healing words.  Comforting words.

I am inspired to speak about such love for my precious Bible as I am giving thanks for a friend who's treasured Bible has been restored to her after more than a year.  I have been with her many times as she has lamented the loss of a gift she's had since she was younger.  She has spoken of how valuable it was to her during her college years.  Looking through it and seeing all that was underlined and marked-a Bible well loved-and wondering who it could belong to, it was pure sweetness to read her name written on the first page.

I am ever amazed by the goodness of God.  I can't fathom His gifts to us.  Or the joy that accompanies something so small.

Yet it is the "smallness" all accumulated that make up the whole.

Peering at this moment, I take it in, breathe it deep, imprint it in my mind and on my heart and rest in it for a moment.  Finding refreshment.

A "Sort of" Love Letter

Why didn't someone tell me how difficult it would be to be your mother?  Not because you are difficult but because you have broken my heart like no other man has.  Child of my heart.  Child of my broken heart.  Boy of my young, selfish, immature love.

I wanted you to be a girl.  So much so I cried and cried walking around a store after the ultrasound.  I was going to name you Erica.

Actually, the crying was probably more for the other man who has come the closest to the breaking of my heart.  The one who left me, alone, heart crushed, dreams ruined, in a state far away from home, with no money, no job, no friends, nothing.  The one I thought I would be with forever.  God knowing what only He knows, that was not the right place or person for me.  How foolish I was in trying to force God's hand.  Make this man-boy a respectable husband-father.  He had no idea who he was or what he wanted.  Except he knew he didn't want me, round with his child, clingy with neediness.

He didn't reject you.  He didn't know you.  You were yet to be, but I'm sure it feels like rejection.

Is this why you struggle?  Why you fight so hard?  Why it is so difficult for me to do the necessary things to help you grow?  How odd, I sit here now, tears flowing.  Heart breaking all over again.  Thinking back to a place I had hoped never to return.  But sometimes it is good to look back.

To see how far you've come.

I am so thankful for the here and now.  The life that is; this house that has Christ and life and love; the marriage that nurtures, sustains, gives joy.  How, looking back, I would never choose that over this.  How this man who initially gave life to you, whom you are physically made of, is nothing of the man I really wanted.  But before I knew Jesus, before my love for Him was a vibrant current in my soul, I thought I could go my own way.  Get what I wanted my way.  Be given value by a man.

This is what you fight against now.  Your own way.  Your heart strains against what you perceive to be confines, holding you back from all that you think you want.  Your young mind hasn't opened to the eyes that discern the Truth that illuminates your way.  Your tough exterior that you have built up to protect yourself only keeps everything out:  good and bad alike.  So while you have no visible depth of sorrow (for it is still there, hidden deep away) you also do not know soul-piercing joy.  

How I long for you to accept His grace.  Accept that you are a broken man-child.  Hurting from oh.so.many.things.  Fearful to take a chance.  Searching for acceptance and validation from other broken, hurting people of this world.  I want to witness more of the integrity that is within you that you attempt to crush with your "coolness" and "style".

I long to hear that you have obtained the salvation that is in Jesus Christ, with eternal glory.  I want to find joy in knowing that you are walking in the truth.  I am praying for you to grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Please listen to instruction and be wise; do not disregard it.

I so want this to be quick and soon.  But God has His plans of which I know nothing of.  Although I do know that He wants all to come to repentance.  It is in repentance and rest where you salvation lies, and in quietness and trust is your strength.  Will you have none of it?  He longs to be good to you, my restless child.  Won't you open your heart?  Hear the words of our Father, calling out to you, bringing you ever closer to Him?  

Even now, as I pour out these words, your heart is breaking.  You are experiencing pain unlike what you've experienced before.  It is coming.  This "growing".  Necessary but not wanted in this way.  Is it unfortunate that we all find a need to learn this way?  The hard way?  I don't think so.  The lessons we gain from this difficulty are better remembered.  Never have we had the promise of a perfect life, only that we will have the One who is above all things walking with us.  Made even more evident as the world lets us down and we realize there is only One who will never do that.

It is in our pain that we manage to seek Him more diligently.

It is in heartbreak that we cry out.

I have been praying in my broken sleep.  I wake with your name and Jesus' name on my lips and in my soul.  My heart is moved and the anger that was swelling just yesterday has been tempered by love.  For I know where you are, I've been there myself.

It's in the loving where the pain lies.  Loving, truly loving as God intends it, gives us eyes to see.  Makes us vulnerable.  Draws on compassion.  Links us together by sufferings that are known by both.

Child with a broken heart.  Child of my healed heart.

Changes in Eyesight

I am changed.  Made evident in the way it permeates my thoughts and is manifested by my outward responses.

A friend made mention of the intriguing thoughts within the pages and something she said-what?  I cannot remember?-prompted me to run right out, dragging my two young ones (seriously, I went THAT night and if you only knew how many times I had already been to these places for other purchases....) and try to find this.  After a fruitless search of every place in this town that would have a copy, I broke down and purchased one right off the internet.  And received it the very next day.  After many weeks of knowing of its existence and not having been much moved to purchase one for myself, much less open it, I have found words that have moved me in a way not unlike only Scripture has ever done before.  Changed from within.  Certainly the printed letters all formed and inspired by Scripture itself, and yet again, God has used someone else to get through to me.

This idea of giving thanks and how it precedes, always precedes, the blessing.  How I find myself not just giving thanks but seeking Him in the grande and the mundane.  How I am searching, looking, seeing that which He is revealing to me.  And not just a love list at the end of the day but a moment by moment analysis, one that keeps me in the moment long enough for it to be named and known and forever imprinted upon my heart.

He gives me words to praise Him and I somehow cannot stop the flow.  The thoughts and words form and begin to take shape and as I follow the thread, the train picks up speed and my heart begins to swell and suddenly I am about to burst and how did I not SEE that before?  I can't write it or type it as fast as it is coming and is this SO many years of my ungratefulness now redeemed and characterized by how quickly I can now SEE the gifts so wonderfully bestowed by my ardent Lover?  The fullness of every moment, captured by my mind and given words and savored.


Living fully as she has so graciously pointed out.

Ask and it will given to you;

seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you.

For everyone who asks receives;

he who seeks finds;

and to him who knocks, 

the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:7-8

Daughter of My Heart

She is just like me.  This girl-child I have nurtured under my heart.

I am up now, having just delicately removed myself from my bed, where she has fallen asleep on my shoulder.  She falls into dreamland instantly-that is so much like me.  She came in this morning to "chat".  She was out so quickly...I take this moment and savor it.  I watch her sleep.

Her morning breath is sweet.  Her skin is soft.  Her lashes so fluttery.  Her face now pinched into an awful expression-what was that thought skittering through your little head?  You, who have not known what it is like to grow up in a house that is noisy with fighting and tense with pent up emotion.  What could frighten you even in your rest?

It is gone as quickly as it flashed by.  Back to the softness of skin and shallowness of breath.  Dreaming, dreaming, dreaming.  Such the romantic, in love with happy endings, I wouldn't doubt that she is already planning her future of happiness.

She struggles with intense emotion-whoa, is THAT like me!  She melts so quickly, so completely, beyond what she herself is capable of handling.  Beyond any way that I can help.  I must continue to teach her as I am learning.  The meltdowns don't accomplish that which we want.  They just make it uglier.  They harden our hearts and require so many pleas for forgiveness to too many.  But if she can begin to learn now, rather than in her 30's as I began, then perhaps she stands a chance.  If she will just call on Him.  Cry out to the One who can take the extreme rush of feeling and channel into something good...chisel away that which is worldly and replace it with the character of Christ.  But it will not be easy for this one.  No, her stubbornness and ungratefulness is all too much like me as well.  She most likely will choose the hard way....like me.  I will teach her thankfulness, just as I am learning.  We will give thanks together.  And worship together.  And love Jesus together.

She will have romance.

She will have her happy ending.

With my hands open, I give thanks for the child she is, and I offer her back to the One who has bestowed her upon me.  Everything my heart knew it wanted.  Everything only God could hear and know and give.

Messy Thoughts on This and That

This time it is me.  Sitting in the dark.  Heart fluttering.  Mind wandering.  Nerves exposed.

So many years ago, I was the on the other end of this.  Did my mother feel these things?  Did she worry?  Was she nervous?  Did she and my father talk about the options?  Did she have any idea what was to come?  Did any of us?  

Whispered prayers fill the silence.  That and husband's game that he is playing.  This is how he works off the nervous energy.  It is dark.  It's nearly the end of this day and the beginning of the next.  There is a car in the driveway, it holds a precious child and his friend.  Talking.  Hashing.  Processing.

I didn't think about it.  That's how I took care of it.  I had told no one.  Not one person.  I kept it locked in my heart.  I didn't speak.  But someone knew.  Someone knew.  Someone told.

What is this?  Why do you want to talk to us?  Why won't you just come in?  Tell us, tell us, TELL ME what it is you want to tell me!  Speak the words I am anxious to hear.  Let's get this out, figure it out, fix this problem.

My mother sits on the end of my bed.  "I'm sorry" is all I can say.  In my mind:  "I didn't know how to tell you.  I didn't mean for this to happen.  The truth is so different from what I've told you but you'll never believe me.  I didn't know where to go.  I didn't know Who to turn to!  I just want to be loved.  I just want to know happiness.  I'm searching, hungry, flailing.  Help me."


Ah, you're in.  Let's get this over with....what?  That's all it is?  THAT?!  That's NOTHING.  It certainly isn't what I thought it would be.  I had all the plans set to deal with what I thought it would be.  And now that I was prepared for that, this doesn't sound so bad.  It's ok.  We are here for you.  We aren't angry.  We just want you to be what God wants you to be.  (God!  Please place a calling on his young life-make it very evident!!)  We want to support you.  We want to encourage you.  (Thank you Jesus, that it wasn't that.)

God is bigger than this.
God is bigger than that.

God, I'm on my knees here.  Let them learn from my own detour.  There are roads I've already been down.  I know the treacherous routes they were.  They weren't dead ends-by no means-but they weren't easy.  Not that I'm looking for easy.  But definitely, definitely not this detour.

Not this time.  But there is still that possibility.  There are more years to fill up with the asking, searching, seeking hearts.  Will they seek You?  Have I taught them where to go with their questions?  I can only do so much.  Your grace must cover all.  ALL.  Even (especially?) the parts that I have played in their lives.

I will continue to seek You.  My God.  My King.

They will see better than they will hear.  

With Me

Heard this wonderful little bit in a sermon today....struck me hard, haven't been able to shake it so instead, I will share it.

Exodus 3:11-12

Picture this:  the Israelites are in bondage in Egypt.  Moses is now a grown man with a wife and son.  He's assuming he is to settle in Midian, this land that is foreign to him.  But God hears the cries of the Israelites in their slavery.  He remembers His covenant with them.  He is concerned about them.  God has chosen Moses to lead them out of their bondage.  He appears to Moses in a burning bush.  He speaks to Moses, telling him that He is sending him to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt.

What is Moses' response?

"Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

And God said, " I will be with you."

Did you see what happened there?  God didn't build Moses up.  He didn't say, "You can do this!" or " I believe in you!" He didn't tell Moses what a great guy he was or how wonderful he was.  He didn't reflect on what a good father or husband he happened to be.  He did nothing to build up Moses' self-esteem.  He didn't respond with flowery speeches meant to motivate Moses into setting out on this mission with fervor.

"I will be with you."

Oh my.  Isn't that really all we need?

When I say to God,
"Who am I, that I should be qualified to do this?"
"Who am I, that I should do this?"
"Who am I, that I should want to do this?"
"Who am I, that I could be of any help?"
"Who am I, that anyone will listen?"
"Who am I, that I could make a difference?"
"Who am I, that anyone will care?"

God replies simply,

"I will be with you."

He will be with me.  

I find it unimaginably wonderful that He will be with me.  I won't be doing this alone.  Actually, I won't really be doing it at all, I will simply be the vessel through which He works.

As a side note:  this didn't end Moses' questioning.  You can read all about it yourself as you follow through Exodus.  But God was good then to Moses, and He is good to me here and now.  He will be good to the future generations and one day, one day, we will all dance and sing together with Him in our midst at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

Praise Jesus.  He is with us.

The Sweetness of God

I saw this blog post via a friend.  LOVE IT.  Cannot, absolutely canNOT say it any better than this.  So, so thankful to my wonderful husband for allowing me to (and wanting me to even!) stay home with my babes.  I have two older children that I was unable to stay home with in their younger years.  I've been SO gifted to have spent my younger two children's lives at home with them.  And another cool thing?!  Just the other day, my husband said to me:  " I find that I still want you to be home when our children come home from school.  I still don't want you working outside the home."  YAY!  Blessing upon blessing heaped upon this mother's heart!

Now to really live out God's calling upon my heart.

Wife.
Mother.
God-fearing woman.

My assignment does not meet up with my ability but God CAN.  And God WILL.  He equips those who seek His calling.  He is changing me-daily.  Sometimes I don't find it so pleasant.  (I mean seriously, have you been following this blog or what?!)  But His grace is sufficient and He is so good.  I'm thankful for His patience and His mercy.  He is whittling away the outer layers that hide the "me" He is revealing underneath.  I do like her better.  Hopefully, she is beginning to look a lot more like Him.  :-)

~Blessings~

New Joy

Today God has gifted me with an intense rush of the "feel-it" kind of joy.

He has lifted my face from the floor where it has been and He has set a smile upon my face.  He is good.  And while I have known this intellectually, today, I know this in a visceral way.  He is just good.  

His sweet presence is enough.

Knowing He holds my world in His hands is enough.

Knowing I don't need anything but Him is enough.

He is good.

...and that's enough.   

Loving Him so much more today than I did yesterday!

The Gentle Healer

I am hesitant.  I've been burned before.  I don't want to just jump carefree, headlong, with abandon out into the unknown because lately, the unknown has become the known that has hurt me.  Left horrible welts on me.  Cut into my heart and left scars there.  Therefore, I've become skittish, unsure, not exactly eager to dive in and get slammed again.  I've been crying out for healing, restoration but honestly, I haven't been the compliant patient.  I haven't opened myself up to that healing.  To be honest?  I'm too tired to do the work anymore.  It seems the minute I step out in faith, I am assailed by flying debris specifically meant to keep me from going any further.  And it has worked thus far.  At least the last few weeks and possibly months.  I sense God calling me out, one more step, just one more....but I've plunked myself down in the middle of the path and curled up to rest.  Really quite uncaring of what is happening around me, just wake me when it's finished...when it's safe...when it's no longer chaotic.

I do know there is such awesomeness on the "other side" of this.  But I feel as if it's been dangled in front of me like that never-caught-up-to carrot.  It's promised but I just don't have the stamina to continue on...and on....and on...and on....this particular weariness has been so pervasive, so long, so deep, so all-consuming.  Just when I think it is on the way out....

This is the salve to my wounded heart:

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

28.Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.

29.Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.

30.For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Gentle Healer, please come to me today, accept my willing spirit, my painfully weak humanity, my strong desire for ease and transform me.

I will continue to seek rest from the Healer, Comforter, Restorer of my soul.  The One who loves me beyond all that I can imagine.  So thankful for His goodness and His patience today.

Tuesday Joy

Notes of love from a praying friend, sweet pictures drawn by her children, individual scripture messages to carry around with me, my "Thankfulness" journal, Bible opened to a very well read chapter in Psalms, phone calls from two other praying friends, and lunch with a friend who's on her way home from her visit here to Indiana.

So thankful for the way God romances me.  He loves my heart and my soul and longs to sweep me off my feet.  It's time to simply fall into it and let Him whisk me away to that place of comfort, healing, restoration, and joy.

This would be the sofrito once it is all ready to be poured into container(s) to freeze.  Not quite the best looking stuff, eh?  But the smell IS wonderful and the flavor it packs....woohoo!  I can look at it long enough for that.  Happy enjoyment!

Heaven

Oh.my.

This is what heaven looks like!!  If my home could even remotely resemble half of these photos....

Joy

JOY = trusting the Lord in all things and having full confidence of salvation through Christ.


I suppose I have always imagined joy to look different.  Somehow, even though I know that joy does not equate with happiness, I have imagined it to look like happiness.  That must be where the breakdown is.  I've always pictured a smiling face, a laugh, a warm feeling.  


Ahhhh, but joy IS those things.  When I see it as He sees it.  I CAN smile, laugh and have warm feelings, knowing all the while that I can trust the Lord in ALL things and that I will one day dance with Him in heaven.  The world and it's chaos may swirl around me but I can have a sense of peace and assurance (read: JOY!) that grips my heart and doesn't let me down.  


He upholds me with His mighty, righteous right hand!  

Beachy-keen!

I'm SO craving a trip to the beach!  Even in the searing, awful, wretched heat I would gladly sit on a beach.  I'd love to hear the ocean waves as they crash upon the shore, feel the sweet soaking of my toes as they sink into the wet sand where the sea and the land meet.  It's been over 5 years since we have been, and we used to go regularly!  Missing it a LOT.  We have dear, dear friends who live in Sarasota, Florida.  It would be a treat to get to go visit....I'd like to see their smiling faces as well!

Sweet Sofrito!

I am blessed to know and be surrounded by adventurous, brilliant, creative women!  I'm so thankful for all that I can soak in from each one of them.

So saying, I have this particular friend who is married to a man who's father is of Puerto Rican descent and he was raised in Puerto Rico.  She is a fantastic cook and has shared many ideas with me.  Our latest (and probably favorite!!!) is making homemade sofrito.  Sofrito is generally used as an additive to sauces, specifically, tomato-based sauces.  I add it to the PR dishes I make at home, spaghetti sauce, and chili.  I'll share the recipe although everyone just kind of makes it their own, YOU know how much of which particular ingredient you like!

Sofrito
1 bunch Cilantro
8 leaves of culantro (if you can't find add some extra cilantro)
1 head of garlic
2 large onion
1/2 lb. sweet chili peppers
2 large green bell peppers
? cup olives with pimientos
1 sm jar roasted red peppers
1 tbsp. cappers
2 tbsp. crushed oregano
1 tbsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
1 cup EVOO (extra virgin olive oil)
Rinse, peel and chopp vegetables. Combine in food processor and puree.
Spoon into ice tray and freeze. Store cubes in zip-loc bag. Each cube measures 1 tbs .
Copyright 2009 - All Rights Reserved - TheNoshery.com



This recipe is from a website entitled TheNoshery as you will note on that last line.  It's a great place to visit, I encourage you to try it out!  Also, I believe that culantro is coriander but not sure.  It doesn't look so great when you get it all pureed up but the smell is absolutely divine!


Hope you are interested in giving this recipe a try-you absolutely will NOT regret it!!  

The Dark Night of the Soul

To clarify, I never thought that this would start on what seems like such a "down" note.  It just so happens that I've begun this blogging process during a season that could be considered the "dark night of the soul".  As a Christian woman, I am in a time of diligently seeking God.  He is growing me in ways that are unimaginable.  At the same time, what comes with this is a period of learning desert survival.  He is helping me to mature.  To learn to drive blind, without sensual support(a consumer mentality, a need for the "experience"), through this night of faith.  I am learning to lean on Him and Him alone.  Many times I have cried out to Him, begging for a release, for victory, for deliverance from the myriad little things that assail me.  I have not received resolution on any one thing.  Being a person that marks notes and dates in the margins, I have looked back at the notes in my Bible (I am DEEP in the Psalms!) and I have read and reread chapters where the dates are six months apart.  And how interesting that this time has come upon the heels of such a show of faithfulness!

In a post for another time, I will chronicle more of the awesome miracle that took place on October 29th of 2010.  Just to give you an idea, I located the son who had been missing for 19 years.  My son, for whom I had longed for and desired to know.  But, I've found, as God has shown His faithfulness, so He wants to grow me even MORE.

While I'd like to say I can (and am) always looking to Him and trusting Him, I vacillate between understanding why this is happening, and being thankful for it, to desperately wanting delivered and to being many months past this season.  He has a purpose for me and for this and I don't want to leave here without learning what it is He has for me to learn.

I think the thing is, we don't always talk about this time as Christians.  How when we are seeking His face there are times when it is tough.  Being a servant of God is not always a hunky-dory experience.  Really, REALLY seeking Him, we find that our hearts do break, and we get a better glimpse of what it is for Him as His heart breaks for His children.  He doesn't want our suffering any more than we do but choices have been made that make suffering inevitable.  And the sweet beauty of it is that it brings us that much closer to Him.  When my heart aches because I have loved ones that don't know Him, that is a good kind of hurt.  When my heart is breaking for the injustice that I see perpetrated daily in our world, that is the right kind of hurt.  It shows that my heart is becoming more like His.

Time for Two Thoughts!

It's Tuesday AGAIN!  How can that be?  The weekend simply dashes by without so much as a "hello" any more....

Well, then, on to the thoughts for this day.

1.  I find it quite interesting (annoying, ironic, lame) that I can always think of the most terrifically awesome things to write about while I'm lying in bed but can't think of one stinking thing while I am sitting right here at the computer.  Writer's block?  I don't know that I'd call it that, I'm not a writer!  Sometimes though, my mind feels all jumbled and I can't keep straight all the things I want to remember or say.  Ah well, such is the way it is when you have only so much space in your brain and too many things needing to occupy said space!

2.  I'm listening to the "whir" of our food saver machine as my husband makes his "paleo" packs to prepare for his long, extended days away in the field.  I really don't enjoy this part of his service in the military!  He has been in over 20 years and is a captain, and while I am incredibly proud of him and his commitment and service, it all comes at a price.  But really, when IS the most convenient time for your spouse to be away?  Well, never!  Anyway, soldier on.  :-)

Blessings!!

I've been hesitant to write.  It just doesn't seem like the words coming from this heart are happy or joyful.  I'm constantly wrestling with thoughts that are bleak and despairing intermingled with those of praise for the God who is faithful in not allowing us to be consumed.  It' such a season of dryness.  I'm thankful though, knowing all the while He is at work AND He is growing me.  Bringing up a garden from dry ground. 

With all that in mind....I'll move on to Two Thoughts for a Tuesday!


#1.  I'm ready for fall.  I'm ready for crisp, cool night breezes, apple cider, falling leaves and the anticipation of the Thanksgiving and Christmas season.  If there were a place that was "fall" all season long, I'd TOTALLY live there! 

#2.  I am confident that deliverance in some way, shape, or form is on its way.  That even if I am not delivered in the way I feel is best, God will restore to me a fresh spirit.  He is teaching me to lean.  I am fully aware of my absolute, utter need of Him.  So thankful for the lessons He gives that are taught with love!

Don't forget to mute the player at bottom of blog!

Treading Water

I'm not sure where I am today.  I feel adrift in this huge....vastness?....that is life.  Treading the water that seems unending.  So very tired.  But one thing I know, God is with me here.  I am not alone.  He doesn't do that.  In fact, this is the testing of my faith that strengthens it.  I understand my desperate need of Him.  I am not afraid of this time, although it seems to be so long.

A Day Redeemed

Oh.My.Word.

This Saturday morning sure didn't start out as I would have liked! 
On a day when I planned to make a loaf of beer bread and possibly a cheesecake and eat them entirely on my own and after a week where my frustration was high, I was short-tempered at work, too tired to motivate myself to accomplish anything on my to-do list, the fridge froze over, the air-conditioner was (and still is!) spewing water (happens EVERY stinking spring season GRRRR...), the laundry is piled high, and I was awakened 3 times from sleep earlier than I wanted to be this morning, I made the decision to be grouchy.  :-/  After a nasty fit (Elli's), a soaking as I was cleaning out the air-unit hose, and a silly handwashing with an herbal soap that set off my asthma, I needed a break.

Frankly, I was just being selfish.  I didn't want to be home, alone, without a car, with a screaming 6 year old and a screaming headache on a Saturday.  I wanted to be angry that my life did not look the way I wanted it to look this morning.  Bad call.  But then I made a good choice.

Music is the sweet sound of my life!  If there's anything I love, it's music. 

Elli and I decided we would regroup.  Get some youtube going and listen to some of our favorite songs.

One of them happened to be this one:

~Before you listen, pause the player at the bottom of the blog~

We were getting ourselves ready to do some nails.  You know, some girly things.  As we sat and I was taking off Elli's old polish, she began to chat with me.  She wants to adopt, not one, but FIVE of those sweet little faces from the video!  I think God may be calling her heart to adopt.  Or to be a missionary!  But in some way, to help others.  She also asked me about Jesus.  How can He just touch someone, mom, and then they are healed?" 

What a sweet time of talk. 
What an open door to listen to her heart. 
To even glimpse into the future and realize we won't always have the precious moments of time alone together. 
To rest and know the He is God, He is good, and He wants me to step back and not be hurried or discouraged. 
What a blessing to be a mommy, and especially, to be her mommy. 

What a joy to know that He can take a day that capped off a week that was less than lovely and redeem it.  He puts it into perspective and shines His light through it to reveal it's real purpose.  I'm thankful for His refining that is always done in love, for His purposes and His glory.

I'm so thankful that by looking to Him, He changed our day around.  His word restores hope in my heart, His love welcomes me, His grace accepts my weaknesses and His mercy forgives my ugliness. 

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Necessary Changes...

Are you willing to make the necessary changes in your life that would align your activities and desires with God's will?

Have you really contemplated what a life "well-lived" looks like and what it takes to get there?

Do you desire more of God and His direction?

Change is something that just doesn't come easily to anyone.  I don't know of anyone who doesn't need some amount, however small, of familiarity and security.   It's a tangible way of feeling as if we have some measure of control over our lives.  

I have been challenged these last many weeks to consider God's plan for my life.  What effect He wants me to have and where.  What His priorities are for my life.  I have listed out an inventory of my time.  Sobering to be sure, but liberating as well.  There are many things that while I thought they were insignificant or even inappropriate ways to spend my time, the Lord encouraged and even blessed! 

I would encourage you to take a good look at where you spend your time.  To the hour.  Lay it before the Lord and let Him prune where He feels necessary.  Let Him speak to your heart about the changes that need to be made.  Where He asks for change, His grace and strength are abundant.  

Only after seeking Him are we able to live, really live, the life He is calling us to.  

Two Thoughts for a Tuesday...

I was having lunch with a special lady friend today.  We were tossing around ideas about blogging.  I am SO new at this thing and she is quite the "old pro" having been at it for over 3 years now...so one of our ideas was this:  A random "Two Thoughts for a Tuesday".

Since today happens to be a Tuesday, let's try this out, shall we?

Random thought number 1. 

I love, love, LOVE being a mom.  Nothing is better!  I have had this calling on my life since I was very little.  I remember the thoughts of wanting to grow up, get married, have babies, and stay at home with them.  The last ten years have been my dream come true.  It is a noble profession, the investment is huge but the payoff is beyond the ability to quantify.  I do not regret one year of being home with my children.  I'm so thankful my husband and I made the decision for me to stay home.  Being a mother to my children is EVERYTHING. 

Random thought number 2: 

What does the LORD require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy 

and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8

Do it anyway

I say: I'm scared; He says: Do it anyway. I say: I might get dirty; He says: Do it anyway. I say: I don't know how; He says: I'll show you. I ask: What do I get out of it? He says: It's for My glory. 

 Today, I will be choosing to do it anyway.

Relating...

I seem to relate so well to David (of Biblical fame!).  I can definitely understand the ups and downs of his emotions.  What a blessing to be able to follow him and his life through Scripture!  One thing I can attest to is that God is never boring.  Never bland.  Never so-so.  I may go through periods where I am, but He never fails to be amazing.


I just finished a book by Gary Thomas (one of my favorite authors!!) called "Thirsting for God".  It is one incredible read!  It is such great encouragement and refreshment for this walk with the Lord that I am on.  I highly recommend it.


Now I am beginning a Beth Moore study that will take me through the summer.  It is her "Breaking Free" study.  I am ambivalent as I have just been wading through a time of intense faith scrutiny and this promises to be every bit as intense.  But I trust the Author, the author, and the ladies who will be joining me in this.


More later on our first lesson but for now, blessings to you! 

It seems like so long, and yet I know it hasn't been!  I've been in my own mind for so many days lately, pretty sure I don't even know where to begin.

It feels like I'm in a resting state except that I feel numb and unmoved by things.  And I am still a bit antsy.  Waiting for that next thing?  Just weary?  Unable to focus?  Not sure what to call it or what this place is...more desert perhaps?  Just the empty kind?

I was considering how just a very few days ago, I was feeling so awful, my heart was hurting deeply and my soul was longing for some relief.  I felt the presence of the Lord so strong near me.  I know He isn't gone now.  I can just no longer rely on how I feel.

Consider our spiritual feelings the way we check the daily weather forecast.  The weather can make our work more pleasant or more difficult, but it should never define our task.  Likewise, feelings may make our spiritual lives easier or harder, but they should never direct our devotion.

We must avoid the trap of equating good worship with good feelings.

                                                                                                               Gary Thomas Thirsting for God


I also find it interesting that at one point I was almost desiring the suffering to this....apathy.  One thing is for sure, the suffering sure kept me close to the Lord.  Now, the part of the lesson that must be learned, to continue to seek Him when I don't feel Him and even when I am weary.


The flux of emotions is continual causing me to learn to navigate them.  They will not cease and they must not dictate who I am and how I respond.  This is where the necessity of habits and rituals are so critically valuable.  When I am constant in my seeking of the Lord, when I continue in His Word and follow after Him, rather than just sit in the middle of the path, I am learning to not rely on only my feelings.  He is so good to allow us the "experience" of His joy and presence but real faith comes in knowing and trusting that He is there even when we don't feel that He is.

What an awesome God we serve!

Sing to the LORD, all the earth;

proclaim His salvation day after day.

Declare His glory among the nations,

His marvelous deeds among all peoples.

For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;

He is to be feared above all gods.

1 Chronicles 16:23-25

Sowing Tears

My grief is not permanent.  I will not live all of the rest of my life feeling as though I am always on the verge of tears.  My soul will not always feel downcast.  My heart will not always feel the intensity of the brokenness.


While I am learning joy amidst the pain, God is glorified.  When I learn to respond despite my feelings, God is glorified.  When I am able to be still and listen, to wait for God, God is glorified.  When He brings me to my knees, weeping, pleading, begging, releasing, He is glorified.


There are many things in my life that are wonderful.  And when I look back at this time, I find it to be most profitable.  This "sorrow" is good to have.  It brings me to Him.  I find my strength in Him.  I learn more about the me He wants me to become.  My hope is increasing, my hurt is teaching.   I find my heart to be more in line with His.  What hurts Him, hurts me.  Grieves me, even.


I can't divulge all that is a trial to me at this time, but suffice it to say that we all have and will experience times in our lives that are difficult.  The details are just the personal aspect.  Just as God communicates with us on a very deep and personal level, our trials will resonate within our hearts at very deep and personal levels as well.  We do find solace in the knowledge that others may have encountered what we are experiencing, and that God has been their Rock and Redeemer.  We rest on His promises that give us hope.  His promises encourage us to press on.


We accept the deep piercings to our hearts and souls of the feelings that wash over us.  We see them for what they are, feelings.  We know that they don't govern what our responses should be.  We face the conflict of how we want to act and how we know God wants us to act.  We don't allow the sufferings to endure without result.  We want the Lord to do His work within us.  We wouldn't want a lesson or a preparation to go unlearned.  We cling to Him with everything that is in us.  Staying close to His side.  Trusting His goodness.

Psalm 126

5) Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

6)  He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

The List

I have a list.


A list of the things that have happened in my life.  Things I have survived.  It used to be a list that represented all that I had suffered and the things that were suffocating me.  All the strikes I had against me.  


~teenage pregnancy
~handicapped child
~low self-esteem
~running away from home
~family estrangement
~cheating husband
~divorce
~missing child
~illegitimate child
~welfare
~loneliness
~unhealthy relationships
~single parenthood
~miscarriage


It doesn't represent that anymore.  It's a list of all the things I've been rescued from.  All that God has redeemed.  All the things that no longer hold me captive. 


God has taken the ugliness and made something beautiful.  He's given me a way to glorify Him through it, and in spite of it, and quite probably because of it.  He's displayed His goodness to me and how He has held me together through these things.  Now these are just a few of my stones of remembrance as I have marked the spot where I gave them over to Him and let Him make of them what He will.

What does your list look like?  Are you willing to turn it over and allow His love to change the way you feel when you read those words?

His Goodness

Are you still with me?  I'd have to say, after all the mess of the last few posts....I was almost done myself!


God is good.  Do you know this?  Do you really, down deep, in your soul, can't even think otherwise, know this?  He will take you to that place.  He's taking me.  I'm not sure how many times we will have to make this trip or what it will look like but I know He won't let me down.


In all things, having an expectation of good.  


It's for my good and His glory.


~Love~

Spring Storm or What a Difference a Day Makes!

What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the Name of the Lord.

What peace, what peace for those whose confidence is Him alone.

Psalm 28:6-7 (The Message)

Blessed be GOD-

He heard me praying.

He proved He's on my side;

I've thrown my lot in with Him.

Now I'm jumping for joy,

and shouting and singing my thanks to Him.

~So shortly after my moments of despair that I recorded here, I received a phone call from a friend.  What a saving moment that was!  A true gift from the Lord.  She asked to pray with me.  She prayed, and my heart was lifted!  Almost like the cloud had truly just risen.  

She took my hand and led me across that swaying bridge.  Over to where the party was.  And the Lord was there all along.  

My circumstances have not changed.  Everything is still as it was yesterday.  Nothing has yet to be resolved as far as we can tell.  My "worries" are still problems that I need to continue to turn over to the Lord.  But how thankful I am that He prompts me to share with dear friends who protect my heart and are willing to pray with me.  Love me.  Care for me in the darkness.

New Day, New Mercies.

It's 11:00am and it looks as if it is 7:00am!  It is so dark and "gloomy" outside.  The thunder is rolling, the rain is falling, there's a chill in the air.  Such loveliness!  I love this kind of weather.  It does not depress me, in fact, quite the opposite, it energizes and uplifts me.  Allows me to revel in moments of quietness, sipping coffee, wrapped up in warm, comfy sweats, looking outside and pondering.  This weather was made for pondering.  And comfort food.  Chicken noodle soup anyone?  Deep theological discussion over tea?  Giving God praise for His faithful provision?  

Come on over, it's a new day.  :-)